My soul went for a walk

Confusion takes my mind
My hearth shrinks on pain
I try to fight and survive
But my spirit is not the same
It hurts deep inside
Intrinsically connected with me
And I don’t understand why
This pain is always here

Does it have a reason?
What can I learn from that?
It is a sign from spirit
Or my soul falling on death

I wish to make it past
Dissolve this burden away
But every time I think I got there
Pain comes back and stay

And so I fall again
Knowing I have no strength
Against this power of life
That manifest itself as pain

I see nothing I can do
No action I can take
And so I close my eyes
And imagine I’m far away

Hoping to make it true
Only scape to survive
The suffering that eats my mood
And takes over my mind

Waiting for the cycle to pass
And the sun to raise on the sky
So I can look at the beautiful things
That fill the human life

And while that doesn’t happen
I will patiently wait
Trying to keep the balance
On my hearth and brain

So if you see me sadly
Watching days pass by
Please look with compassion
Don’t think I gave up on life

Remember an honest smile
That gently draws on my face
The hope for another day of trials
And for consciousness to come and stay

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Fading summer

I watch summer fading away
Leaving memories that stay
Of dreamy days at the beach
Feeling the world on my feet
No thinking comes into my mind
The wind comes and makes me fly
To other worlds inside this one
Magic happens through the sun

Lights shining and life spinning
No more mind but intense feeling
Secret to happiness
Words cannot describe
Paradise is right here
Looking at the inside

Traveling through vibrations
Colors multiply
There as as many dimensions
As your imagination can find

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Words

Reflecting on these past months my memories are a mix of feelings and words. I remember having blissful discussions, I remember many times being drawn back into the present moment by some interesting conversations and a combination of lexis that helped me connect to the vast space inside.

I can’t quite recall what terms where being used or what was the initial subject of these dialogues, but the feeling of that moment of glimpse when sentences instantly make sense and nothing else can be added into it than a deep sense of comprehension.

It cannot be explained. Yet, I know what you mean.

Words are a powerful tool. And trying to use them wisely is a challenge. I know that the best words come out of my mouth when I just accept them the moment they come into my mind and speak it out. The thinking of “how should I say that?” often leads to miscommunication and misinterpretation. I keep clear thoughts, and with that, I say clear words. But if my mind is busy judging the thinking before the speaking usually the message won’t get there the way it should. Communication is about honesty.

The feeling of speaking out what you think is very freeing and the exposition that comes out of it provides you with very interesting experiences. I’ve been trying my best to get into a silence point before speaking every sentence. I listen to what had been said and try to not create thinking into it, and in that moment between the other person stopped speaking and the wait for my answer I try to keep a clear state of mind and a strong presence on body. And then I let words come out. Unexpectedly, once my mouth is open and sounds come out of it the reasoning keeps developing mostly smoothly, with once sentence completing the other and connecting to a new point of view. If you know me, you’ll probably notice when that happens and I start speaking an unbelievable amount of sentences per minute. They nicknamed me ‘parrot’ at school on grade 2.

While I’m definitely a talker I admit that speaking has made me scare so many times before. The expectation of what I’m supposed to say, the expectation of the way that’ll be interpreted and the need to keep a conversation so it doesn’t fall into that silence considered so terrible and embarrassing between two or more people. By letting go of the fear and being honest with myself and the things that happen inside I learn how to use our words spontaneously, even if that means revealing a perception inside that will make me more vulnerable when faced with other people. And I also noticed that by being honest people open themselves more to whatever they hear. Nothing needs to be said in an aggressive way, instead, words are seen as just observations of the feelings inside each one of us. As different and peculiar they might seem, they are there to support our growing and understanding of life.

I truly believe words are not necessary for communication once we live our 100% full mind-body potential. But since they are so essential in our world now, using them with a strong sense of presence can be as exiting as having the realization of the formless itself through silence.

I started recording on my cellphone some moments when I feel the talking is leading to a beautiful way. When a strong connection is being made between the undefined feeling and the definition that is now being made of it through our verbal realm. Sometimes I think I’m going crazy, but listening to it later on bring me back to the same state I was while having the talking. Maybe these words should be listened more than once.

Anything that brings me back to the present moment is a useful sign that this state is always here. It can be achieved through meditating, through looking at a flower, or through interacting with the world and using the rational definition for it. Which means, words. It’s like listening to a song with happy lyrics and feeling as if you were flying somewhere over the rainbow with it. And the rainbow is always there, the song can always be heard again.

Words are gates. And after fearing so much where they would take me, I’m grateful for them now.

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*If you were brave enough to stick with me through all this word craziness and is wandering where Compassion is I’ll tell you what: I wrote three posts on it. Yes, three. And still I feel like none of them is close to what could be said about compassion. Oh words, you tricky little things. Maybe that’s too much thinking involved?! Probably. So letting the thinking aside for a minute and focusing on actually experiencing it again. Maybe the gates will open, who knows?!

Nothing else to be said. Stay in love,

Caroline ūüôā

Wandering

What is life I wonder
Who can define
Is it a feeling from the body
Or an illusion of the mind

How do I discover
The deeper truths
Travelling in wander
Is the way to move

How am I supposed to live
Contained in a tiny body
When my spirit is free
And my soul is on fire

What words will lead us
To the formless state
Where everything is bright and simple
And pain fades away

For how much longer
Will the human race suffer
For not being in the present moment
And let emotions take over

All useless questions
I am afraid to say
For we don’t need to take action
To connect with our purest state
A moment of attention
A gap from thoughts
And with the right intention
Mind will fall apart
Connect to the feeling
To the sensation inside
For it can be revealing
And show you how to die
Die from things that don’t really matter
Show your infinite space
It’s as simples as an arrow
That cuts the air straight

Eyes closed but there’s still vision
The eternal sacred light
You’re not only an individual
But the whole universe being defined.

Listening

My intention with this post is to listen to what my heart has to tell me. I think we’ve all been there, so occupied with our minds, the talking that never stops, that is so hard to get to a silent point and listen to what is really important, what is inside.

So, what is inside?

Inside there’s an infinite space. A space where everything can become real. And every emotion can be accepted and dealt with. A space of stillness and reassurance. A space of creation.

I believe we are the creators of our outside. We create our universe on the inside and watch it become real on the outside. Or on what we believe as being the outside. We create every little detail of our experience on that infinite space, where anything is possible. We create it by thinking it; by worrying about it; by defining it with concepts we accepted to ourselves. And then we materialize it and perceived it through our minds and body.

And call it life.

So, if we are creating our lives, every little detail, why aren’t we all creating the perfect, fulfilling life we all wish for?

Because we don’t listen. We don’t know what we really want anymore. We get so attached to that thinking, that very-well-defined concept we have about ourselves that we have absolutely no idea of what is really important, we pay no attention to the inside.

We say “I’m like this.” “I’m like that.” “And that will never change! It’s how I am.”

Is it? Is it how we really are or is it how we believe to be? And on that “believing”, isn’t any space to change it? Isn’t there other possibilities?

I see many. So many that I can’t put it in words. Can the space,the formless be really explained? I don’t think so. But it can be felt. In many different and amazing ways. I’ve been feeling it in ways I can’t¬†conceive. Or maybe, I can’t think of. But I can feel, and I can try to listen. And then maybe words will come to show me the access point to that state.¬†

My weeks have been very interesting. They roll in cyclic, smooth ways. Every new week I feel an emotion taking over. And that emotion sticks with me during my days and explain itself in clever situations. And yet, I haven’t stopped to really listen to what that has to say. To me, or to others.

So now I’ll stop and talk about the different and holly emotions that have been taking me over. And i’ll listen to what the inside has to tell me about it. And write it here.

The first feeling I’ll write about is compassion.¬†And the need we have to find our purpose in life. If anybody read until here, congratulations! And if you’ve identified yourself with what I’ve written I’ll ask you to stick with me. Human force has power. And maybe we’ll inspire each other to every moment, more and more, listen to the inside.

I know you’re beautiful, whoever you are.

See you in compassion.

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Growing

I watch my hair grow and I think about my growing. I look around and I think about Canada. I think about thinking.

Uncertainty¬†in the middle of a bliss. Like a dream, my life rolls by. I have beautiful views. I meet¬†inspiring¬†people. I also feel inspired and inspiring. Inspired to live, and to let go of security. I compare my moments now with moments I had before. I think about writing and the goals I had established for my life. Everything feels so abstract and yet so¬†enchanting. I’ve been seeing the word “wonderlust” a lot. I realize I’m living the moment in wonder. This fascinates yet¬†scares¬†me. But living in wonder is what they teach on self-help books right?

After all, everything is uncertain, life knows how to renew itself and destroy things we judged immutable. There is no mean to fight.

So I just surf with the ties. This powerful unknown energy will keep guiding our lives and showing unexpected ways to grow and develop as humans and as beings. For now, I’ll be contented in looking at life through a child’s eye. Everything is new and bright, and magic is happening all the time. My mind has no¬†strength against my intense sense of presence.

So my hair will keep growing, and so will I. I have no idea what will be the external situations that will support my growing, but that doesn’t matter now.

And now is all that matters.

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As days pass by…

I can’t believe my time in Victoria has come and go by so quickly!

I had very intense two months in this absolutely enchanting city. I fell in love, and how couldn’t I when spring is blossoming everywhere…

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I embraced Victoria and was 100% honest when I called it home. I remember my first couple of weeks walking to and from school with my headphones in full volume. Feeling so grateful for having such a view of the flowering streets. I remember walking by myself through the most random places after school, quietly discovering the city and the many little magical details it has.

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I had time to stay by my own. Time to organize my thinking and to try to figure who I really am. Time to listen and reflect with¬†Eckhart tolle’s¬†audio books. Time to just be.

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Travelling alone it’s one of the most touching experiences someone can have. Even tough I didn’t know one single person before arriving in Canada, I don’t remember actually feeling lonely not even once.

I was so lucky to have the most awesome classmates.

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The most cool neighbors and flatmate someone can think of.

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And I can’t count the number of people I met in a few short months. After that first couple of weeks I engaged in a busy busy life. I joined a debate contest; received a very special visit of an old friend from my city in Brasil; ate delicious international food; fed snakes and other animals; and was busy trying to still be responsible.

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But so far I’m doing a good job.

I was one oh the survivors of Noah’s Ark. I swear the whole Vancouver was under water on my perception.

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Easy to guess my costume? I had an idea of a bird but no inspiration at all. We went to Value Village (also nicknamed costume inspiration paradise) and I found some perfect wings! I cut and knitted some colourful fabric pieces to it and was a bird! Love to fly.

There was one special week when I felt specially inspired. Any spare time on class would become a poem on my notebook. And my activities in classes became super fun.

Can you find the 13 different super powers in this butterfly?

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And most of all, during my time in Victoria, I learned a lot!

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Life is beauty!

The place of dreamlands

So I was here, living in Victoria for about two weeks and raving all about the city. How wonderful and perfect it is, and how everybody(especially canadians) i meet tell me they come to Victoria because it’s the best place in Canada (even tough i’m sure that there are thousand best places). I was amazed and surprised that I ended up in such a particular city, with so many of the things i consider important to have a healthy and conscious lifestyle.

And then I met Nelson…

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Nelson is one of the most impressive cities i’ve ever been. But we’ll talk about that in a while.

First, let me explain how I ended up in my dreamland:

So one day I was browsing through Couchsurfing¬†like I always do and I saw this message of a girl who had just arrived in Victoria and was looking for people to hang up an get into adventures. Oh well, that’s exactly what I was looking for too!

And that was how I met Demetria

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My travel buddy and the responsible for all these amazing photos (I would never be able to do it).

So Demetria is studying to be a baker in America (her country) and is taking a 6 months internship in an organic bakery here in Victoria. After I answered her message on the website we hung out a couple of times (including a CS reunion in which I played Settlers Of Catan for the first time, and won!). We both want to explore as much as we can, and we both could get some days off for easter holiday. So we put things together and engaged in an 11 hours road trip.484095_10151511145344712_114393488_nAs always in Victoria, the trip started in the ferry, in a beautiful sunrise.

We stopped in Vancouver to rest for the night and hung out with the Bat Cave. And on the next day we hit the road!

I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves for a bit…

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As I knew I would, I fell in love with the countryside. From beautiful sunny skies, to snow until your eyes could see, the whole way was a bliss. And it just got better when we arrived. To have an idea, this was my morning view from the beautiful, old house where our host lives.

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We spent the next days wondering around that little village that is surrounded by a lake and a snowy mountain.

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Falling in love with the little city centre. With a good amount of commerce and restaurants to have variety but without too much consumerism(even tough they do have a walmart there). But the fact that the central groceries shops had everything to sell by buck (I mean, everything!) won me over. Nelson, I’m yours!

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We had a good balance of time in the city, time exploring the region, and time eating delicious food.

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Do you see my angry face? That’s what happens when we have to share half of a breakfast bun. But I think the energy of the Uno on the table helped.

We also had some really relaxing time at some hot springs. It felt really good! Specially the part when you get out of a 39*C pool and jump into a  6*C! The feeling of shivering is quite addictive.

And just behind the hot springs there was a hike that led us to a really old cemetery. Scary, but with all the snow was such a classy view. I admit i do love cemeteries.

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Another thing about Nelson is all the communities that are being formed around it. Demetria was really into that, so we visited a couple. Gaia Shifts¬†was a place that i felt identified with. It’s a woman-based community and it felt like a comfortable atmosphere to spend more time looking inside myself while working for something with value. They are always in need of people to help the community grow, and you can live there if you help. It’s something i’m considering doing if no jobs comes around when it’s time. Afterwards, spending sometime with myself was my first goal when I came to Canada.

They also accept visitors to spend the night, and the money you pay to sleep and breakfast(30 bucks) is totally worth it to stay in this caravan:

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We arrived there at night and the fireplace was going on. So we made some tea and drank it while looking at this captivating night sky… No falling starts this time but the sky itself was a gift that i’m thankful for.

I had this great night of sleep full of dreams and was ready to make my way back to victoria on the other day. The view from the Caravan looked appealing to go out.

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It was a great first road trip around Canada. And thanks Demetria for helping making it so special!

I came back from Nelson wanting to live there forever. Like it usually happens when I visit small cities.¬†The truth is that I’m passionate about them.¬†¬†I think they have everything necessary to have a lifestyle with less waste, more outdoor time, and a more simple routine. A lifestyle that will allow me to be more connected with myself by being more connected with the environment around me.

However, I think the universe wants me in big cities. I always end up on them. And while I do love all the hectic life and all the opportunities, deep inside i’m always looking for the small city that will keep my heart forever. But I believe everything has its time… And it appears to me that my time is not right now, as I came back to my school and discovered that they changed their dates so my course it’s not happening in Victoria at the time that I need anymore(and no one had told me before!). So either I move to Vancouver or I’ll have to take some other kind of english-as-a-second-language classes(really? I’m a teacher!). So if that’s what the universe wants, let it be.

Bring me the full speed of Vancouver and let’s see how it goes!

Well, anyway I still have a few weeks in Victoria, and nothing is ordinary when you’re traveling. So wherever comes, it will be welcomed ūüôā

 

 

 

Nice to meet you Victoria!

I don’t know how I ended up choosing this city. But to be honest, I’m in love!
Victoria in spring is a pretty enchanting lady.

IMG_20130325_081137First of all, it was not that easy to get into the city. I feel kinda of embarrassed, but I have a lot of stuff! I’m not good at traveling light.

So me and my huge backpack had to take a 20 min(full) bus, to get to a Sky train station, to go to another station, to take another bus to get to the ferry station!

My back is strong, men!

The good part of having a backpack on your back? People talk to you ūüôā So I had this really cute 70 something years old asian lady talking to me for about half my way into the ferry station. She had the cutest laugh.

And i took the big boat to the beautiful island of Victoria!

After another 1h30min in the ferry, another bus and a taxi trip me and my backpack arrived in my new place, tired but saved.

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When i decided to come to Canada i knew i was coming to an expensive country. Every 1CAD costs me 2,14R$. That’s a lot of money. So i knew that in order to have a good lifestyle I would have to find a cheap accommodation.

I was very lucky. I put and add on craiglist and also on the sub-group on Couch Surfing. I talked a little bit about myself and asked for any cheap place, just for 3 months. I also suggested $350 as a monthly payment. That was about half the price normally listed on those websites. And waited for the best.

To my surprise I had about 10 answers! A lot of good and nice people. But Kevin’s answer was really cool, he wrote a lot about the place and we kept in touch since late january. I was really impressed at how beautiful the house is! Honestly, is the best in the street.

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I arrived there and there was nobody home. So a sweet gray cat came to greet me.

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Later on my flatmate explained that the house is actually from 1917. When all around this neighborhood was farmland, this was the big house on the farm. This made me love it even more. The universe is always finding me old houses.

So I spent the rest of the day unpacking and getting to know my new home. I have this sweet and comfy little room upstairs, and honestly I really love it. It’s like my own little space hidden from the rest of the house.

On the next day I woke up ready to do some exploring! I took the bus downtown and took a long walk in amazement around the waterfront. I had no destination, I was just walking and soaking up the kind energy of my new city. I saw all the tress blossoming and breathed the sweet fragrance they were expelling. I dreamed about having my own home boat…

IMG_20130316_134138I stopped to watch a magician making tricks for coins on the street and as he finished his show I received a text from my first travel buddy in Victoria:

IMG_20130316_154149This is Rami. We met on the bus after the ferry the day before (the backpack working again). He was in Victoria for the weekend and looking for people to explore the city. Perfect match! We met right when I was getting tired of walking by my own, and he showed me what became my favorite part of the city: The beach!

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Those mountains by the water are actually Washington. Crazy, right?

I absolutely loved all the way that brings you into the beach. A lot of people walking with their dogs, and I had to be strong to not stop and pet each one of them. On the way to the beach you also pass by Cook St. My favorite street so far. If the city of my dreams would have a lot of stylish cafés, ethnic food and organic local stores, the city of my dreams is Cook St.

I finally surrender and tried my first Canadian Latte(I’m quite picky about lattes and found them to be too expensive here). It was perfect! Perfect amount of coffee and foam. Ahhh, it feels good!

Rami and I also tried some mexican food.IMG_20130316_160648I don’t remember if this was a fajita or a tortilla, anyway, it could be made vegan and was just $2,50. Score!

We ate and talked and came back to the beach to continue our walk and watch those brave people doing kitesurfing. It was sooo windy. I would never put myself with a kite into the water. But i guess i’m just too afraid.

IMG_20130316_154202It was a lovely afternoon and I truly pictured myself living here for a looong time. Getting a dog and walking it by dallas road while drinking some latte… Life is too full of options!

By the evening it was time to meet my flatmate’s friends. It was St Patrick’s Day, so i wore all the green clothes i had and we headed downtown to a club.

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Pretty nice place. I personally like the country space the best. I didn’t bring that many bras, so none of those are mine. But they had some funny things written on them.

They also had free peanuts! I left with my belly full.

My flatmate’s friends are such nice people. Everybody really friendly and smiley. I’m glad i found this house!

Well, this is such a long post! I guess traveling alone is making me inspired. My adventures in Victoria continued to grow, and my love for the city too. Time to focus on my studies now. Wish me good luck!

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Bat days…

My next days in Vancouver included some lazy, cozy mornings inside the cave.

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IMG_4885Look at my host’s jammies (they had a onesie party a few days before).

Super cute right?!

He is hands up because his crazy german oatmeal was a success.

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Some good adventures with some amazing people.

IMG_6416Food with almost all spices in the market.

IMG_6462Some pretty dangerous games.

IMG_6496That soon lead into many people dancing on sofas.

And just like this my first days of Canada and my times at the Bat Cave were gone. (I’ll be back!)

Time to find out where i’ll be leaving and studying for the next three months. And what Victoria has to show me…

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So see you soon.